Seven of Albert Gore’s Toes, 61, of Belle Meade, TN, formerly of Washinton, DC, died Wednesday, October 28, 2009 on a rural road outside of Nashville, TN.
Al’s toes were born March 31, 1948, in Washington, DC. The seven deceased toes are survived by Mr. Gore’s cankles, love handles and back hair. The details surrounding the loss of Al’s toes, best known for their relationship to Mr. Gore, have yet to be released. It has been announced that services will be held at the local Footlocker.
Arrangements by the Bless Your Heart Funeral Home. Nashville, TN, (202) 567-6800
There have been attempts to cover up the exact details surrounding this tragedy, but I was lucky enough to speak to one of the EMT’s who were called to the scene. Based on Mr. Gore’s statements to the EMT’s, he was trapped in his car, with his driver, during a freak blizzard that hit the Nashville area. The former VP was trapped for nearly nine hours and claimed the situation was so dire he was forced to resort to cannibalism. Unfortunately, not even wearing the clothes of his dinner was enough to keep Mr. Gore warm and the environmentalist lost seven of his toes to frostbite.
On the way to the hospital, the EMT commented to Mr. Gore about the freak nature of the blizzard. The former VP is said to have responded by citing the survival of three of his toes as clear evidence for global warming. After Mr. Gore arrived at the hospital, I was fortunate enough to briefly speak with him. When asked if he would consider supporting a charity for others who have lost digits, Mr. Gore proceeded to explain how he had invented charity. I sat, listened to the former VP explain his invention of charity and waited patiently until the men in the white coats came to drag him to the psychiatric ward.
We at Dead Celebrity of the Week would like to extend our sympathies to Mr. Gore, his remaining toes, and the baby polar bear that we ate for breakfast. Go with Gaia, Mr. Gore’s toes.
Also posted here
Today we bid farewell to Granmole. One of the meatiest moles on the face of Democrat Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm.
Jennifer Granholm was born in Vancouver, British Columbia and soon after she and Granmole welcomed many many more moles, each with his or her own locations, personalities, and dreams of wealth and opportunity. Along with Jennifer, they were honors graduates of both the University of California at Berkeley and Harvard Law School. Later, Granmole had a big part in getting Jennifer elected Michigan’s first female attorney general in 1998.
But there was soon trouble and disappointment. Strife in the life of Granmole Started when Jennifer Granholm was elected governor in 2002, and became even more difficult when re-elected in 2006. Granmole began to get unwanted attention as the Governor became embroiled in scandal and incompetence. Granmole felt the pressure of the flash photography and the news conferences, it brought him into the spotlight and he started to be noticed.
By the time the problem with Kwame Kilpatrick, the once-promising Democratic mayor of Detroit, ended in a tawdry courtroom drama, Granmole had already started a drinking problem. At first it was casual drinking- some 10-0-6 with all the other moles, then he and a small group of moles started to hang out after dark and began abusing Seabreeze and Clearasil. Soon after he was doing 10% Benzoyl Peroxide, Glycolic acid and really hit rock bottom when he got hooked on [TriChloroacetic Acid] TCA. He confessed to a close friend that he was becoming a joke and just wanted to “disappear”.
In 2009, after the government took the reigns of GM, under Jennifer Granholm’s tenure Michigan led the nation in job losses [15.3%], hotel vacancies, exporting of residents, college graduates, growth of taxes, poverty, scandals, home foreclosures and her unashamed failure, whining and taste for Big Government. One morning Granmole looked through his crusty eyes in disbelief at the morning paper:
“Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-Mich.) is looking to stimulate the local economy by importing prisoners from out-of-state.” That was the last straw. The taunts, the abuse, the embarrassment was too much to take. Quickly he scribbled farewell letters to his many [many] famoley members.
On October 12th, Thanksgiving Day in his native country, Granmole was found by Governor Granholm bleeding on a bed pillow with a can of pressurized gas [air duster] at his side
Charlie Sheen’s penis, 44, of Sherman Oaks, CA, formerly of Malibu, CA, died Monday, October 12, 2009 at Cedars-Sinai.
Charlie’s penis was born, Carlos Irwin Estévez’s penis, September 3, 1965, in New York, NY. He is survived by his parents, siblings and testicles. Charlie’s penis, best known for his relationship to Sheen, died of an exotic disease Monday evening. It is not yet clear when services will be held.
Arrangements by the No Casket Too Small Funeral Home. Sherman Oaks, CA, 310-248-2000
We at Dead Celebrity of the Week are saddened by the death of Charlie Sheen’s penis aka the Sheenis, but we’re not surprised. Sheenis was getting into trouble from the very beginning. At age 4 he was found inside the neighbors tabby cat and was subsequently ordered to undergo court ordered psychiatric treatment. Friends have speculated that when Carlos Irwin Estévez changed his name to Charlie Sheen, Sheenis was confused. Two friends close to Sheenis were quoted as saying, “the confusion weighed heavily on his tiny head. Soon he was hanging with a rough crowd and spending his time in the wrong kind of people.”
The exact details surrounding the death of Sheenis were not immediately available, but we have been able to learn that he apparently died of a yet undiscovered sexually transmitted disease. The news about the rare STD would appear to confirm the rumors that Sheenis is being held by the CDC for observation. Mr. Sheen apparently contracted the newly discovered “Sheen virus” when a rogue remote controlled vibrator ruptured his colon. A prostitute and a lemur were detained at the scene. The lemur is being held for questioning and is suspected of operating a class III sex toy while under the influence of a controlled substance.
Sheenis was close to both Mr. Sheen’s testicles and his ailing liver. Mr. Sheen’s testicles could not be reached for comment and are rumored to still be in the possession of Denise Richards. Mr. Sheen’s liver is currently hospitalized. We were able to reach him, but he would not comment on the death of his longtime friend. It is rumored that Mr. Sheen’s liver is secretly pleased with the news. Speculation is rampant that the death of Sheenis will result in an increase of funds at the disposal of Mr. Sheen’s liver.
The public has had mixed reactions to the news, but the outcry from the hooker community has been breathtaking. In these dark economic times, the death of Sheenis has hit the hookers hard. Economists at the Wall Street Journal speculate that this is one blow the hooker community could have done without. The tranny hookers were especially grief stricken. Their spokesperson, Kayla Coxx, was quoted as saying, “we all knew Sheenis well and will miss his money terribly.”
Martin Sheen, Charlie’s father, took the news especially hard. He held an impromptu press conference outside his home where he speculated that his son’s penis was likely the victim of a government conspiracy. When we asked about his father’s assertions, Charlie echoed his father’s claims and even named George Bush as the likely party responsible for the death of Sheenis. When asked about the lemur, Sheen screamed “where” and then burst into tears. He was sedated by the medical staff, while we were escorted from the hospital room.
We at Dead Celebrity of the Week would like to extend our sympathies to Mr. Sheen, Mr. Sheen’s testicles, hookers and the 9-11 truther movement. Rest In Piece, Sheenis.
